Post 3: Business Correspondence Critique

I would like to share my idea on this business letter.

June 18, 2007

George Johnson
Dean of Computer Science,
School of Computer Science Building (108)
Australian National University
ACT 0200, Australia

Dear Mr. Johnson,

I am writing you this letter of recommendation in support of Mr. Thomas. It is his desire to attend the School of Computer Science and advance his knowledge within your Computer Science program. Thomas has a proven track record both with his grades as well as his attendance. As a professor here at University of Newcastle, I notice only a few outstanding students each year, and Thomas is one of those students who stands above the rest. Thomas exhibits a great aptitude and unique perspective in pursuing his interests, and I am proud to recommend him for your program.

Thomas is one of my top students, with grades that place him within the top two percent. Thomas excels on all course material as well as project work. His last project describing a secure Internet using relay nodes to filter spam and server attacks, is a great example of his unique thinking. From the time we met, six years ago, I knew that Thomas was a unique student, with great aptitude, ability and potential.

Thomas‛s academic records certainly qualify him for your program, and his thesis work will provide a unique perspective to your organization. Please accept my letter of recommendation, and if you have any questions please feel free to contact me.

Thank you.

Yours sincerely,

Wiston Lee

Wiston Lee
Dean of Information Technology
University of Newcastle

Basically, this letter is a recommendation letter. I think that the letter has satisfied with the 7Cs in writing. In the first and second paragraphs, professor is explaining about his student’s ability and desire for attending Computer Science program. The explanation and information is complete and concrete. In the first paragraph, it can be seen concreted sentence like “I notice only a few outstanding students each year, and Thomas is one of those students who stands above the rest.” From this sentence, we can know clearly that Thomas is an outstanding student. Moreover, the phrase such as “ great aptitude and unique perspective” is concise and elaborate more about student’s performance and ability. In the second paragraph, professor described about Thomas’s last project. Basically, this project relates to his further study, Computer Science program. Because of this, Mr Johnson can also understand that Thomas is studying and doing the project relating with Computer Science program. This will also be a great chance for Thomas to qualify for Computer Science program.

The language and words used in this letter are also correct and clear. I think that there is no language error in this letter. There is also excellent choice of words in this letter of recommendation. The words such as “exhibit, unique and excel” are also appropriate words when describing a person’s skill and performance. All words are coherent, cohesive and give positive meaning. All in all, not only language and words but also information and explanation are organized very well. We can see that professor is explaining his student’s achievement and project systematically. These information and explanation can make Thomas help in qualifying for Computer Science program.

In the third paragraph, it can be seen concreted sentence like “Thomas‛s academic records certainly qualify him for your program, and his thesis work will provide a unique perspective to your organization”. This sentence gives good positive meaning to the reader and encourages the reader, Mr Johnson to allow Thomas for qualifying the program. Moreover, the tone such as “Please accept my letter of recommendation” sounds courteous and friendly.

All in all, this letter is a good recommendation letter and I hope that we can learn word phrasing, sentence structure and organization of information.